Thursday, October 9, 2014

Mumbai Film Fetishval !!

Getting Married (* moments silence * ) Making reservations for a Table for 2 and

Say hi to me at the Mumbai Film Festival 2014 : Movies to Watch !!
1 - One on One (Il-dae-il) (South Korea)
2 - The Search (France-Georgia)
3 - Vessel (USA)
4 - Omar (Palestine)
5 - Court (India)
6 - The Night Is Still Young (La nuit est  encore jeune)(France-Sri Lanka)
7 - Over Your Dead Body (Japan)
8 - Goodbye To Language - (Adieu Au Langage) (France)
9 - Early Spring, Kyoto (Japan )
10 - Two Days, One Night (Deux jours, une nuit) (Belgium-France-Italy
11 -The Blue Room (La chambre bleue) ( France )
12 - The Search (France-Georgia)
13 - Party Girl (France)
14 - A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (Iran-USA)
15 - Fury (UK-China-USA)

Register at the Website for a Delegate entry pass , Watch enjoy and bring out the Roger Ebert in you after the screening

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Take a Rain Check !! : 9 of the finest movies I've seen this Month.

Problem : Its Raining everywhere.
Solution :
Ride the pothole infested roads,get a spine adjustment by the chiropractor,Call up your boss or check his ' Last seen ' on Whatsapp and Take a Rain Check.
Sit home with a coffee or if u're like Jesus,turn all that water into wine and watch these fantastic films , the best movies ive seen this last month or so.Some worthy of being the best in the year too.
Randomly sharing , too lazy too describe them.
P.S - have not included Korean or French Cinema coz then like Uday Chopra's career these films would take a massive beating because we all know that those two countries make the best God Damn Films you will ever see !!

Title : Ha-Notenet
Language : Hebrew

Title : We Steal Secrets : The Story of Wikileaks
Language : English

Title : Hemel
Language : Dutch

Title : Jatts in Golmaal
Language : Punjabi

Title : Ship of Theseus
Language : Hindi/English

Title : Before Midnight
Language : English

Title : Trance
Language : English

Title : Breaking the Girls
Language : English

Title : Only God Forgives
Language :English

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Beckham : 6 clubs,4 kids and the Worst Spice Girl !!

Ok so Let me take you for a trip down memory lane back to the late 90's n early part of the 21st century.
Worry not I'm not gonna remind you of the Slam books you filled enlisting your favorite band as The BackStreet Boys or humming emotion soaked Westlife songs like "If I Let you Go" which is in fact what i will say to my Stream of Pee once my Prostate enlarges and I have to make a deal for it to pass smoothly .

 I am not even gonna talk about how Britney Spears would sing " o yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ....Oops I did it again " and remind you what a relief it is to not be Constipated anymore once you're done n have flushed it down the toilet.

So its 6 pm , you have just finished a highly intense fistfight enduring Football match back in school and you have just returned home with  bruises on your knee or as I prefer to call them War Wounds courtesy some Rahul or a  Mike or George,yes the good old White people had names like Mike George Peter and not like Kai and Klay like the Rooneys now.

So your mom has seen your wounds and has instructed you to take a quick shower while in the meantime she prepares the 2 min Maggi noodles in relation to which if you ask me Id say "The Greatest trick the Devil pulled was to convince us Maggi can be made in 2 minutes apart from telling us there is INTEL INSIDE our computers ".So shes waiting for you to come out quickly from your shower,knocking repeatedly on your door unlike opportunity,but you . . yes you have shampoo all over your hair and standing in front of the mirror,you are about to emulate the hairstyle of perhaps the greatest showstopper the game of football has ever seen : David Beckham.

David Robert Joseph Beckham - guy who could walk into any Football team or Boy band in the 90's with the talent he had for things.Part of Fergie's Fledglings,Beckham went on to be the poster boy for most football fans,he was the face of football at one point of time,7 out of 10 kids watched football because of him and the other three because their girls would drool over him.I personally started football as a Newcastle fan ( don't ask me why ) but then Beckham was something special , so special that every free kick that was awarded would have a David Beckham reference on the televison channel and one flashing in your mind,every Long pass you made on FIFA using your console,David would do it with ease day in day out at Old Trafford . If growing up you loved football,you must have loved Beckham or else there was something wrong with you.

David Beckham went from Manchester to Madrid to LA to Milan to Paris : I wont blame you if at this point you are thinking im talking about the Journey of a super Model and living life in the mentioned Fashion Capitals across the worlds.David would done a new haircut and people would want it.In the 2002 World Cup Ronaldo had this

You rather want Herpes than that.

David had this

and so did a Billion Asians who were more fond of him than Rice.
Football made money from his popularity,he made money being a footballer,people made money selling underwear using him and what not.There wasnt a single street in the local markets that wouldnt have a no.7 jersey on display.Then there were 32 jaw dropping tattoos and 4 kids and one Spice girl . Perhaps the envy of all women around the world Victoria sure did wat most women should do " If u cant be successful,be with a successful man".
Victoria to David is what Gauri is to Shahrukh Khan except that Victoria does not have a pompous asshole in the bedroom.

Its funny how when most men start their careers in their 30s its time for footballers to go. Beckham might be over with Football but then I wouldn be surprised if they romp him for the Next Bond or the next movie in the Mission Impossible franchise.My personal recommendation would be to replace Gabriel Macht in the popular show SUITS.

Jokes apart , its the end of a fascinating career.
Goodbye Becks !! at one point you were bigger than the sport itself
but that does not mean i forgive you for Victoria !!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Last Lecture !! No Im Not Dying.

So its 430 pm , its about to be the end of days play in the OPD and suddenly the Senior doctor asked me to take a lecture the next morning for a bunch of students who at that point were in their hostel rooms wondering,whats the whole point of med school when Sir Ravindra Jadeja can play IPL and make Crores of money and trend on twitter every fucking day !!

So it was scheduled for the next day for about 80 odd students out of which maybe just a few were looking forward to the lecture as Charlie Sheen was regarding beating up his Ex wife.
That " Good Mooooorrrrnnniinggg Sir " in unison reminded me of kids who are a part of  those Christmas Choir in school.Felt good to say " Sit Down " ( always wanted to do that once before i get whipped n married).

Since it was a lecture about Eye and its Sugery felt like opening with a joke like " If something goes wrong during Eye surgery ... THERE IS NO LOOKING BACK " but then why wake the ones who were sleeping peacefully.Its a totally different ball game when ur back is facing the board and ur up there all alone.Ill be honest,I had a constant feeling which got stronger every 5 mins that " what if my Fly is open ".Luckily unlike most of our friend's FB relationship status it wasn't Open.

The lecture reminded me of my own days as a Med School undergraduate where as soon as the lecture starts and till it ends there are always those assholes who keep nodding at every eye contact the lecturer makes with them.We all agree,we HATE the Nodder.And then there is that bunch of three good friends who are at some point in the lecture planning their own trip to Spain like those three do in the movie ZNMD.I went to school in the 90's so we had our Dil Chahta Hai Goa Trip.But my Fav ones were the ones who were thinking they're in love and waiting for the WhatsApp " Last Seen at ... turn to Online .... turn to Typing .... "

Ill save you the boring part of the lecture which of course was what the students had to endure and then as soon as the lecture ended as cliched as it might sound,everyone had a sigh of relief just like we would after sitting through a Tushar Kapoor movie.Then there were some who were talking chitchatting and I felt like telling them what most Indian Men tell their partners in bed " Keep Quiet and just finish doing your Job " but then I was just hoping my name does not end up between a Dick graffiti on the back benchers desk or a hate  post on the college FB Confession page.

The Dalai Lama once said and I quote " There is a special bond that binds all of us " . . .  . . and I felt it that day at the end of the lecture when it was my turn to take,and their turn to give/mark in their ' Attendance '.More than the early morning breakfast,the Attendance is at that moment the most important thing to do of the day.

Was a pretty good lecture but I still regret making two gross errors i.e Using a Chalk and wearing a Black Shirt to the lecture . Nevertheless Im hoping more and more people will wish me " Happy Teachers Day " not coz I popped my cherry by taking a lecture but coz I once TAUGHT my Ex-GF not to boss around with me,no matter what "

The class is dismissed you can go back to sleep or click here for the most amazing lecture I've seen
 Randy Pausch : Last Lecture 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Mumbai : How I've Missed Your Summers S01E01 !!

Lets tick the clock a year back.......

I'm sitting in my comfortable Boxers ( highly misleading term coz they are NOT at all equipped to take a Punch down there ) feeling like a Megan fox poster because its summer.A Bengali carpenter who was working in my house at that time would call me " Dada " and along with the Hot weather it provided the perfect setting for me to stand at my window and remove my tee-shirt like Ganguly and twirl it hurling abuses at the weather Gods.
At times its been so Hot I've advised my friends to listen to what their Gf's say coz its no point getting into a HEATED arguement with her in that sort of weather.

So I've moved to another city to pursue a career in Ophthalmology n related surgery  or as the common man would call it " that contact lens guy " and its been almost a year and I've missed Mumbai city,my own city, the city where you can smell fish,garbage,sewage and a random guys sweat all within a radius of half a km on any given day.

I've missed the enthusiasm with which my favorite people the Gujarati's have been " Going for Gold " at the Jewellery market(Zaveri Bazaar) more than the Indian contingent going to the London Olympics in search for Gold.Frankly speaking every guy who was a favorite for Gold and came home with a bronze " made us proud ".Well no offences but early and successful Toilet training by their kids makes Mom's proud.We do have really low expectations.

Talking about expectations,staying away from the city I've missed the long late night drives with my friends at Carter Road where Women come to walk their Dogs and Men ..... come across As Dogs !!I don blame the men coz if the women can act like bitches why cant they behave like dogs.Expectations are not very high regarding the opposite gender in the city the further you go away from an engineering college,where if you are a girl ...its more than enough for the men.

Ive missed the Monsoons and the frustration that is vented out on Twitter regarding Potholes and the promises made by the Municipal authorities to mend the situation.Its surely a Bumpy ride during the monsoon and thank god the women in the city aren't as blessed as their Bangalore counterparts which I've seen off lately.And as the monsoons go there comes Sept/October where I've missed the start of " Where are we going for New Years Discussion ".Its amazing how much planning shopping takes place to eventually go to a House Party.
Ive missed the frequent Auto Rickshaw strikes and the occasional Bomb Blasts which bring out the " Spirit of Mumbai " in every Mumbaiite.To be honest the term "Spirit of Mumbai must only be used for the Cheap Alcohol you get at Janta or Gokul late at night which I hear isnt cheap anymore.

Then came January where I missed the launch of Salman Khans's Being Human store in Bandra. I heard a lot
of fans gathered the night of the launch,so many that the collective I.Q of all the fans gathered outside the store was less than 4 Andhra boys in my college Hostel sharing rooms.
Let me not get into how much I've missed poking fun at the mass gathering just to see the first STARBUCKS in the locality. I've seen more people checking in (@ Starbucks with 8 others ) on Facebook than men at a herpes screening

Train journeys which remind you of the Bono song " " Sometimes You Cant Make it On Your Own " which is surely inspired by the middle class Mumbaikar's train journey in the morning where on a good day ur just greated by a hairy armpit and not a smelly one on ur way to work at Andheri and Saki naka ( hahahaha I know you expected a joke there ).Ive missed them all.
Ive missed alot of things some good,some bad some but nothing beats the thrill of meeting some college guys who just came from an IPL game and said " Duuuudee The MUSIC in the stadium was awesome \m/ "

Jokes apart .....
I've missed Mumbai !!
Cyu soon.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Weddings !! Are You Next ??

Back then when they said " its a Match made in heaven " regarding a Marriage no one took into consideration and highlighted the importance of the food that the caterer served and the strategic placements of fans at the wedding venue.

I have just returned back from a friend's wedding for which,while applying leave my greatest dilemma was which of my 5 imaginary sisters was getting married so that I could go.I can tell you that weddings especially Indian ones are just a show of how much money your dad minted trading in the Stock Market !!

I am convinced some people get married just for the sake of shopping and then Dressing up for the occasion .You cant blame them because a wedding is the perfect time for Shiny and Colorful things to ' come out of the closet ' and I am not even talking about Gay people.
Some women have more detailing in their make-up than the Frescoes at the Sistine Chapel,but then on the brighter side (with a little less foundation and mascara ) I have no issues with that because a Makeup session in front of the mirror is perhaps the only time in a Woman's life when she agrees that THERE IS GENUINELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER (. . . .yes I say this in Caps and it still wouldn be as Loud as some of their makeup ).

Then there is the bride the centre of attraction like the Tag Heuer ( yes I googled the spelling ) watch on display at the biggest mall in your city which you wanted but cud never have.I havent yet come across a honest person at a wedding who had the balls to go up to her and tell her she doesn't look gorgeous or her outfit Isn't praiseworthy and her hair isn't the types to die for like the model that comes on the Season's billboard at Santacruz station Mumbai.. . .i mean why cant you be honest about someone (bride) who can endure a 3 hour wedding reception but her bladder gives up more easily at a 2 hr movie screening than Munaf Patel chasing a ball on the third man boundary.Its baffling to me at least.

You enter and you help your self with a glass of juice ( at a Gujju wedding ) or a Cheap Whiskey at most Punjabi weddings which you then crib about and your seated for a nice conversation and Boom !! there goes the glass shattering under ur chair . . . Yes at every wedding there is always an asshole who will slide an Empty glass under the chair just like you yourself do to the ThumsUp bottle at the movies for the next person to shatter it.
Then as the audience comes your biggest challenge : The question everyone is faced with is when to STOP eating the STARTERS ?? I bet if the food at weddings wasn't free most of us would be trying to come up with silly excuses of how we were ' On a Diet '.
And then picture this . ..  . you have just filled your plate or have a soup bowl in your hand a couple of  kid comes in from nowhere and simulate the behind enemy lines scenario at the venue and in the process spilling your soup or (if you're at a Non-Jain wedding) your whiskey glass onto your shirt.Its that exact moment you wish people at weddings treated their kids the same way like they treated their Cars : Hand them over to the Valet while entering and make sure to leave with them on their way back home.But then I think a wedding is the perfect time to deliberately forget your annoying kid at the venue and not be blamed for it either.

And as you crib about the food,the cheap alcohol,the long line at the Pizza counter in EVERY FUCKING WEDDING and the waistline you saw at the icecream counter which you could never have,you have to painstakingly endure the whole charade of the bride and the groom clicking photographs in poses that would make a power yoga instructor proud and you wonder that life would be fair if only the couple was " LIKED " in real life as much as their Facebook Album !!!

Its amazing to be a part of a wedding where people stand in line for a photograph with the couple like they do at the 1st of every month for a Rs.9/-  Gelato flavour of the month at Phoenix Mills,Mumbai, But then to be honest when people ask me at these weddings " so Who's side are you from ?? " " The Girl ... or the Guy "....I am more than relieved to tell them " Neither ... I'm still on the HAPPY SIDE. "

Monday, January 21, 2013

What Is Love ?

What is Love ? 

Well to set the record straight for those who don't know its an amazing Song by Haddaway.Go buffer it while you still read this post.

So a couple of days back was having a Healthy conversation with a few friends where by healthy I meant was : if roadside pani puri ( made with hands that have traveled into regions and clefts under humid weather conditions) is better or the ones at wedding where a gloved guy with a shower cap who looks similar to the guy who gave your granddad a colonoscopy last year serves them to you.I personally prefer the former.So after a lot of arguing about whats better someone said " doesn't Matter who ..... I just LOVE panipuri !! " This marked the onset of a series of questions dished out to one another about LOVE.

My friend Rachita ( mandatory name change to protect her identity ) asked me 
What is Love ? How do you know its Love ? When do you know its Love ? 
Well just like Munaf Patel's line and length during bowling Love has no fixed definition nor does it have boundaries just like Charlie Sheen's preference when it comes to women or the amount of Coke to snort on a single night.Its different for different people like for. . . my Gujju friend who said It felt love when I shared a kiss with him last night that was " soft gentle yet powerful and had a little bit of tongue in it " I personally thought if it had everything  it was the Long Island Iced Tea of Kisses.
Well its not like a pregnancy test where a color change determines if its true or not so I personally feel you can never know if its Love or Not love or if it brings Happiness or Sadness or Joy or Pain . . . Pain just like the colicky pain induced by the Schezwan noodles you had last night cooked in adulterated oil.

Does Love Last forever ?

Well if you go to an Archie's gallery and buy their cards,a lot of them do say some love stories last forever but  if you are from say Mumbai then some love stories ONLY last till the cops come and beat the shit out of you at Bandstand.Jokes apart I am only gonna love some woman Unconditionally forever if she agrees to my *Conditions Apply clause related to shopping.

She goes on to ask ....
Is Love " Fueled " (checked spelling thrice before getting the right one ) by hormones  ?
Sure why not If its in the backseat of a car its surely driven by hormones and there is a hefty Price tag attached to it too 
Well hormones may act as a trigger in a lot of cases like for .eg  the ' Shallow ' men who Love women by the ' Depth ' of their cleavage and  I wonder that,when these men ASK HER OUT  what makes them think she will LET THEM IN.

Any Sacrifices we make . . . . ?
" A man is known by the Shoes she wears " - ( we know who ) So if your relation is at its peak during that critical period of January before Valentines day then yes we do .
The closer and closer you get to Valentine's day the further you are Away  from your Target Savings.Valentines day is like Holi or Lohri,it marks the harvest season for all the soft toys Archie's produced throughout the year and one fine day we end up dumping on to each other as a token of Love.If you truly love someone celebrating Valentine's day as a justification of love is a breach of trust I say. . .but then what I say doesn't matter.

Out of the blue comes Garima ( again name changed to protect her identity ) and asks ...
Can you Imagine cockroaches in Love ?? 
Well I don have an answer to that but I can tell you She was a one time Engineer and by the looks of the question its evident that she was smoking some good stuff in a Hot-Box environment.

And then . . . . Can we love more than one person at a time ?

Most of our dad's still love our Mom and a Madhuri or Rekha so I guess its possible 

So maybe after this  piece of post i dished out in front of you (like a Master chef contestant I might never find Love but then I've found love and to me Love is the Craving of a Chilled Thumbs-Up after a spicy roadside PaoBhajji on a winter night.