Beckham : 6 clubs,4 kids and the Worst Spice Girl !!

Ok so Let me take you for a trip down memory lane back to the late 90's n early part of the 21st century.
Worry not I'm not gonna remind you of the Slam books you filled enlisting your favorite band as The BackStreet Boys or humming emotion soaked Westlife songs like "If I Let you Go" which is in fact what i will say to my Stream of Pee once my Prostate enlarges and I have to make a deal for it to pass smoothly .

 I am not even gonna talk about how Britney Spears would sing " o yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ....Oops I did it again " and remind you what a relief it is to not be Constipated anymore once you're done n have flushed it down the toilet.

So its 6 pm , you have just finished a highly intense fistfight enduring Football match back in school and you have just returned home with  bruises on your knee or as I prefer to call them War Wounds courtesy some Rahul or a  Mike or George,yes the good old White people had names like Mike George Peter and not like Kai and Klay like the Rooneys now.

So your mom has seen your wounds and has instructed you to take a quick shower while in the meantime she prepares the 2 min Maggi noodles in relation to which if you ask me Id say "The Greatest trick the Devil pulled was to convince us Maggi can be made in 2 minutes apart from telling us there is INTEL INSIDE our computers ".So shes waiting for you to come out quickly from your shower,knocking repeatedly on your door unlike opportunity,but you . . yes you have shampoo all over your hair and standing in front of the mirror,you are about to emulate the hairstyle of perhaps the greatest showstopper the game of football has ever seen : David Beckham.


David Robert Joseph Beckham - guy who could walk into any Football team or Boy band in the 90's with the talent he had for things.Part of Fergie's Fledglings,Beckham went on to be the poster boy for most football fans,he was the face of football at one point of time,7 out of 10 kids watched football because of him and the other three because their girls would drool over him.I personally started football as a Newcastle fan ( don't ask me why ) but then Beckham was something special , so special that every free kick that was awarded would have a David Beckham reference on the televison channel and one flashing in your mind,every Long pass you made on FIFA using your console,David would do it with ease day in day out at Old Trafford . If growing up you loved football,you must have loved Beckham or else there was something wrong with you.

David Beckham went from Manchester to Madrid to LA to Milan to Paris : I wont blame you if at this point you are thinking im talking about the Journey of a super Model and living life in the mentioned Fashion Capitals across the worlds.David would done a new haircut and people would want it.In the 2002 World Cup Ronaldo had this

You rather want Herpes than that.

David had this

and so did a Billion Asians who were more fond of him than Rice.
Football made money from his popularity,he made money being a footballer,people made money selling underwear using him and what not.There wasnt a single street in the local markets that wouldnt have a no.7 jersey on display.Then there were 32 jaw dropping tattoos and 4 kids and one Spice girl . Perhaps the envy of all women around the world Victoria sure did wat most women should do " If u cant be successful,be with a successful man".
Victoria to David is what Gauri is to Shahrukh Khan except that Victoria does not have a pompous asshole in the bedroom.

Its funny how when most men start their careers in their 30s its time for footballers to go. Beckham might be over with Football but then I wouldn be surprised if they romp him for the Next Bond or the next movie in the Mission Impossible franchise.My personal recommendation would be to replace Gabriel Macht in the popular show SUITS.



Jokes apart , its the end of a fascinating career.
Goodbye Becks !! at one point you were bigger than the sport itself
but that does not mean i forgive you for Victoria !!

The Last Lecture !! No Im Not Dying.

So its 430 pm , its about to be the end of days play in the OPD and suddenly the Senior doctor asked me to take a lecture the next morning for a bunch of students who at that point were in their hostel rooms wondering,whats the whole point of med school when Sir Ravindra Jadeja can play IPL and make Crores of money and trend on twitter every fucking day !!

So it was scheduled for the next day for about 80 odd students out of which maybe just a few were looking forward to the lecture as Charlie Sheen was regarding beating up his Ex wife.
That " Good Mooooorrrrnnniinggg Sir " in unison reminded me of kids who are a part of  those Christmas Choir in school.Felt good to say " Sit Down " ( always wanted to do that once before i get whipped n married).

Since it was a lecture about Eye and its Sugery felt like opening with a joke like " If something goes wrong during Eye surgery ... THERE IS NO LOOKING BACK " but then why wake the ones who were sleeping peacefully.Its a totally different ball game when ur back is facing the board and ur up there all alone.Ill be honest,I had a constant feeling which got stronger every 5 mins that " what if my Fly is open ".Luckily unlike most of our friend's FB relationship status it wasn't Open.

The lecture reminded me of my own days as a Med School undergraduate where as soon as the lecture starts and till it ends there are always those assholes who keep nodding at every eye contact the lecturer makes with them.We all agree,we HATE the Nodder.And then there is that bunch of three good friends who are at some point in the lecture planning their own trip to Spain like those three do in the movie ZNMD.I went to school in the 90's so we had our Dil Chahta Hai Goa Trip.But my Fav ones were the ones who were thinking they're in love and waiting for the WhatsApp " Last Seen at ... turn to Online .... turn to Typing .... "

Ill save you the boring part of the lecture which of course was what the students had to endure and then as soon as the lecture ended as cliched as it might sound,everyone had a sigh of relief just like we would after sitting through a Tushar Kapoor movie.Then there were some who were talking chitchatting and I felt like telling them what most Indian Men tell their partners in bed " Keep Quiet and just finish doing your Job " but then I was just hoping my name does not end up between a Dick graffiti on the back benchers desk or a hate  post on the college FB Confession page.

The Dalai Lama once said and I quote " There is a special bond that binds all of us " . . .  . . and I felt it that day at the end of the lecture when it was my turn to take,and their turn to give/mark in their ' Attendance '.More than the early morning breakfast,the Attendance is at that moment the most important thing to do of the day.

Was a pretty good lecture but I still regret making two gross errors i.e Using a Chalk and wearing a Black Shirt to the lecture . Nevertheless Im hoping more and more people will wish me " Happy Teachers Day " not coz I popped my cherry by taking a lecture but coz I once TAUGHT my Ex-GF not to boss around with me,no matter what "

The class is dismissed you can go back to sleep or click here for the most amazing lecture I've seen
 Randy Pausch : Last Lecture 

Mumbai : How I've Missed Your Summers S01E01 !!

Lets tick the clock a year back.......

I'm sitting in my comfortable Boxers ( highly misleading term coz they are NOT at all equipped to take a Punch down there ) feeling like a Megan fox poster because its summer.A Bengali carpenter who was working in my house at that time would call me " Dada " and along with the Hot weather it provided the perfect setting for me to stand at my window and remove my tee-shirt like Ganguly and twirl it hurling abuses at the weather Gods.

At times its been so Hot I've advised my friends to listen to what their Gf's say coz its no point getting into a HEATED arguement with her in that sort of weather.

So I've moved to another city to pursue a career in Ophthalmology n related surgery  or as the common man would call it " that contact lens guy " and its been almost a year and I've missed Mumbai city,my own city, the city where you can smell fish,garbage,sewage and a random guys sweat all within a radius of half a km on any given day.

I've missed the enthusiasm with which my favorite people the Gujarati's have been " Going for Gold " at the Jewellery market(Zaveri Bazaar) more than the Indian contingent going to the London Olympics in search for Gold.Frankly speaking every guy who was a favorite for Gold and came home with a bronze " made us proud ".Well no offences but early and successful Toilet training by their kids makes Mom's proud.We do have really low expectations.

Talking about expectations,staying away from the city I've missed the long late night drives with my friends at Carter Road where Women come to walk their Dogs and Men ..... come across As Dogs !!I don blame the men coz if the women can act like bitches why cant they behave like dogs.Expectations are not very high regarding the opposite gender in the city the further you go away from an engineering college,where if you are a girl ...its more than enough for the men.

Ive missed the Monsoons and the frustration that is vented out on Twitter regarding Potholes and the promises made by the Municipal authorities to mend the situation.Its surely a Bumpy ride during the monsoon and thank god the women in the city aren't as blessed as their Bangalore counterparts which I've seen off lately.And as the monsoons go there comes Sept/October where I've missed the start of " Where are we going for New Years Discussion ".Its amazing how much planning shopping takes place to eventually go to a House Party.

Ive missed the frequent Auto Rickshaw strikes and the occasional Bomb Blasts which bring out the " Spirit of Mumbai " in every Mumbaiite.To be honest the term "Spirit of Mumbai must only be used for the Cheap Alcohol you get at Janta or Gokul late at night which I hear isnt cheap anymore.

Then came January where I missed the launch of Salman Khans's Being Human store in Bandra. I heard a lot
of fans gathered the night of the launch,so many that the collective I.Q of all the fans gathered outside the store was less than 4 Andhra boys in my college Hostel sharing rooms.
Let me not get into how much I've missed poking fun at the mass gathering just to see the first STARBUCKS in the locality. I've seen more people checking in (@ Starbucks with 8 others ) on Facebook than men at a herpes screening


Train journeys which remind you of the Bono song " " Sometimes You Cant Make it On Your Own " which is surely inspired by the middle class Mumbaikar's train journey in the morning where on a good day ur just greated by a hairy armpit and not a smelly one on ur way to work at Andheri and Saki naka ( hahahaha I know you expected a joke there ).Ive missed them all.
Ive missed alot of things some good,some bad some but nothing beats the thrill of meeting some college guys who just came from an IPL game and said " Duuuudee The MUSIC in the stadium was awesome \m/ "

Jokes apart .....
I've missed Mumbai !!
Cyu soon.

Weddings !! Are You Next ??

Back then when they said " its a Match made in heaven " regarding a Marriage no one took into consideration and highlighted the importance of the food that the caterer served and the strategic placements of fans at the wedding venue.

I have just returned back from a friend's wedding for which,while applying leave my greatest dilemma was which of my 5 imaginary sisters was getting married so that I could go.I can tell you that weddings especially Indian ones are just a show of how much money your dad minted trading in the Stock Market !!

I am convinced some people get married just for the sake of shopping and then Dressing up for the occasion .You cant blame them because a wedding is the perfect time for Shiny and Colorful things to ' come out of the closet ' and I am not even talking about Gay people.

Some women have more detailing in their make-up than the Frescoes at the Sistine Chapel,but then on the brighter side (with a little less foundation and mascara ) I have no issues with that because a Makeup session in front of the mirror is perhaps the only time in a Woman's life when she agrees that THERE IS GENUINELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER (. . . .yes I say this in Caps and it still wouldn be as Loud as some of their makeup ).

Then there is the bride the centre of attraction like the Tag Heuer ( yes I googled the spelling ) watch on display at the biggest mall in your city which you wanted but cud never have.I havent yet come across a honest person at a wedding who had the balls to go up to her and tell her she doesn't look gorgeous or her outfit Isn't praiseworthy and her hair isn't the types to die for like the model that comes on the Season's billboard at Santacruz station Mumbai.. . .i mean why cant you be honest about someone (bride) who can endure a 3 hour wedding reception but her bladder gives up more easily at a 2 hr movie screening than Munaf Patel chasing a ball on the third man boundary.Its baffling to me at least.

You enter and you help your self with a glass of juice ( at a Gujju wedding ) or a Cheap Whiskey at most Punjabi weddings which you then crib about and your seated for a nice conversation and Boom !! there goes the glass shattering under ur chair . . . Yes at every wedding there is always an asshole who will slide an Empty glass under the chair just like you yourself do to the ThumsUp bottle at the movies for the next person to shatter it.
Then as the audience comes your biggest challenge : The question everyone is faced with is when to STOP eating the STARTERS ?? I bet if the food at weddings wasn't free most of us would be trying to come up with silly excuses of how we were ' On a Diet '.
And then picture this . ..  . you have just filled your plate or have a soup bowl in your hand a couple of  kid comes in from nowhere and simulate the behind enemy lines scenario at the venue and in the process spilling your soup or (if you're at a Non-Jain wedding) your whiskey glass onto your shirt.Its that exact moment you wish people at weddings treated their kids the same way like they treated their Cars : Hand them over to the Valet while entering and make sure to leave with them on their way back home.But then I think a wedding is the perfect time to deliberately forget your annoying kid at the venue and not be blamed for it either.

And as you crib about the food,the cheap alcohol,the long line at the Pizza counter in EVERY FUCKING WEDDING and the waistline you saw at the icecream counter which you could never have,you have to painstakingly endure the whole charade of the bride and the groom clicking photographs in poses that would make a power yoga instructor proud and you wonder that life would be fair if only the couple was " LIKED " in real life as much as their Facebook Album !!!

Its amazing to be a part of a wedding where people stand in line for a photograph with the couple like they do at the 1st of every month for a Rs.9/-  Gelato flavour of the month at Phoenix Mills,Mumbai, But then to be honest when people ask me at these weddings " so Who's side are you from ?? " " The Girl ... or the Guy "....I am more than relieved to tell them " Neither ... I'm still on the HAPPY SIDE. "

What Is Love ?

What is Love ? 

Well to set the record straight for those who don't know its an amazing Song by Haddaway.Go buffer it while you still read this post.

So a couple of days back was having a Healthy conversation with a few friends where by healthy I meant was : if roadside pani puri ( made with hands that have traveled into regions and clefts under humid weather conditions) is better or the ones at wedding where a gloved guy with a shower cap who looks similar to the guy who gave your granddad a colonoscopy last year serves them to you.I personally prefer the former.So after a lot of arguing about whats better someone said " doesn't Matter who ..... I just LOVE panipuri !! " This marked the onset of a series of questions dished out to one another about LOVE.

My friend Rachita ( mandatory name change to protect her identity ) asked me 

What is Love ? How do you know its Love ? When do you know its Love ? 

Well just like Munaf Patel's line and length during bowling Love has no fixed definition nor does it have boundaries just like Charlie Sheen's preference when it comes to women or the amount of Coke to snort on a single night.Its different for different people like for. . . my Gujju friend who said It felt love when I shared a kiss with him last night that was " soft gentle yet powerful and had a little bit of tongue in it " I personally thought if it had everything  it was the Long Island Iced Tea of Kisses.

Well its not like a pregnancy test where a color change determines if its true or not so I personally feel you can never know if its Love or Not love or if it brings Happiness or Sadness or Joy or Pain . . . Pain just like the colicky pain induced by the Schezwan noodles you had last night cooked in adulterated oil.

Does Love Last forever ?

Well if you go to an Archie's gallery and buy their cards,a lot of them do say some love stories last forever but  if you are from say Mumbai then some love stories ONLY last till the cops come and beat the shit out of you at Bandstand.Jokes apart I am only gonna love some woman Unconditionally forever if she agrees to my *Conditions Apply clause related to shopping.

She goes on to ask ....

Is Love " Fueled " (checked spelling thrice before getting the right one ) by hormones  ?

Sure why not If its in the backseat of a car its surely driven by hormones and there is a hefty Price tag attached to it too 

Well hormones may act as a trigger in a lot of cases like for .eg  the ' Shallow ' men who Love women by the ' Depth ' of their cleavage and  I wonder that,when these men ASK HER OUT  what makes them think she will LET THEM IN.

Any Sacrifices we make . . . . ?

" A man is known by the Shoes she wears " - ( we know who ) So if your relation is at its peak during that critical period of January before Valentines day then yes we do .

The closer and closer you get to Valentine's day the further you are Away  from your Target Savings.Valentines day is like Holi or Lohri,it marks the harvest season for all the soft toys Archie's produced throughout the year and one fine day we end up dumping on to each other as a token of Love.If you truly love someone celebrating Valentine's day as a justification of love is a breach of trust I say. . .but then what I say doesn't matter.

Out of the blue comes Garima ( again name changed to protect her identity ) and asks ...

Can you Imagine cockroaches in Love ?? 

Well I don have an answer to that but I can tell you She was a one time Engineer and by the looks of the question its evident that she was smoking some good stuff in a Hot-Box environment.

And then . . . . Can we love more than one person at a time ?

Most of our dad's still love our Mom and a Madhuri or Rekha so I guess its possible 

So maybe after this  piece of post i dished out in front of you (like a Master chef contestant I might never find Love but then I've found love and to me Love is the Craving of a Chilled Thumbs-Up after a spicy roadside PaoBhajji on a winter night. 

Rape,Delhi n Flash Disks ... Dicks !!!

In this world where we find ourselves walking on a tightrope where on one side we are faced with the advances in various fields and the big stride towards a better world  and  still regressing as a nation and contributing in our own ways on the other side,Id rather choose not to take the next step.

RAPE ( Ridiculously Atrocious Penile Expression ) isn't an act of physical abuse or a show of ego or dominance,its more importantly a derangement of cognition.A Rape had already occurred in the mind before it happened in the Delhi Bus that day.Such is the outrage in the country that you would pardon me if I wrote this post completely in CAPITAL LETTERS !! but then venting out frustration n calling a petition for death penalty isn't going to solve the problem,the problem that is in the minds.Sure Legalizing Prostitution and Pay Channels for Pornography may help to curb  issues but who are we kidding We still believe that the  Ganges is clean n a dip in it wud make our souls Purer !! ( No Offences )

Analogically speaking the problem is that men treat the Penis the same way they treat their Pen Drives : A temporary storage device containing Flash memory that can be periodically erased n reprogrammed just as a sick horny guy fashion's his Penis to do so with a gush of blood that's diverted from his brains.
Sure It comes in various Shapes and sizes like those Pen drives do to cater to everyone's needs and fantasies.
It sure has a wide range of capacity too,be it small large n extra large just like the 8,16 and 32 gb versions of its counterpart.



Both are meant to be carried in your pants comfortably and used ONLY  when required but then we all know how difficult it is to keep it in our pants when u are at a friends place for a party and suddenly you enter the bedroom and Booom !!! you find the latest DvdRip copy of the potential Oscar winner Argo and u just cant resist putting it on your drive on and taking it back home.( P.S- We need to curb Piracy too !! )

I am sorry to all the women on behalf of the men around and I sincerely wish that in future where we become slaves of technology and Men decide to use the Penis as our PenDrives I hope we obey the simple instruction that pops up everytime u decide to get it out :
 " You can now Safely Remove your Hard Dick...Disk "

Thank you.

Life of P.... Ponting !!!

Camera PanShot of a 8-1 offside field ... Mcgrath running in with a new ball ....[Switch] Zooms in on Ricky standing in the slip cordon , collar up , a quick glance at mid on , a slight adjustment of the baggy green and then the trademark spit on the palms getting ready to take a blinder of a catch !! he takes it and they flock in a circle to congratulate him and ruffle his hair and  since we were all aware of  his Spit Coated hands a handshake would be the singlemost act of stupidity indeed.

If cricket was to be compared to a silly show from India about riding bikes Ricky Ponting would be a contestant from Chandigarh or Delhi screaming out the cliche " Tu jaanta nahi mera baap kaun hai " every time an Aleem Dar or a Steve Buknor turned down a decision against him or erroneously send him back to the pavillion.But Ricky Ponting was more than just a young bloke with a drinking problem , so much so that when he decided to make a mark on the game all he had to do was take a step forward swivel on his backfoot and pull the ball to the midwicket fence and carry on tonking attacks all over the world with killer instincts,sheer confidence n  ruthlessness : qualities used to usually describe a Heavyweight Boxer rather than a Cricketer.

For most parts of his career he battled being compared to Sachin [ not bad at all ] and to be honest he did have a period of dominance where stepping out to bat meant an inevitable hundred and a subsequent victory for the Aussies.Perhaps the most dominant batsmen of the modern era during his peak , the most feared and certainly the most valued aussie wicket consisting of a lineup of the likes of Langer Hayden Waughs Gilly during those glory days.

As an opposition you would love to hate him purely for the confidence when he was out to bat and frequent tons he made.He wasn't in the mould of Rahul Dravid coming out to bat at no.3 but then he was never meant to be not when Rod Marsh spotted him at the academy as a teenager nor when he decided to make those twin tons in his 100th test vs the South Africans and win the game at Sydney.Punter at his peak did not instill fear but he created fear from within you as an opposition.

A 100 Test Wins !! ,Ashes Wins,series Wins in every country,in every continent,3 World cups and what not,and yet for some he will be remembered as the Aussie captain who lost the Ashes THRICE !! and failed to Defend a WC after fucking winning 3 in a row as a playern 2 of them as a captain.Facing your critics must be hard and if you are ponting it got harder as he inched closer to the fag end of his career.Never a natural as a captain to bring out the best out of his players as Taylor could or Waugh would , but whose to blame when u have been served the 11 most talented men together as a team the world of cricket has seen.Captaincy made him a better batsmen which is remarkable knowing what it did to Sachin 

He chose to stay on even after his invincible teammates left the arena one by one : some say it was for the love of the game , some say it was to prove certain ppl wrong .His reflexes faded , his swivel turned jerky but he still had a few fights left in him.And then as the time came to call an end to what was a highly successful career he decided to end it where it all started at the WACA

You could love him for his shots , envy him for his records ,or hate him for his guts but at the end of the day there will never be a moment when you wud walk past him and not be in Awe of the fact that hes Tasted Success more frequently than Matt George and Gary have delicacies on Masterchef Australia .

Good Bye Punter the odds will always be in your Favour !!!