Thursday, January 31, 2013

Weddings !! Are You Next ??

Back then when they said " its a Match made in heaven " regarding a Marriage no one took into consideration and highlighted the importance of the food that the caterer served and the strategic placements of fans at the wedding venue.

I have just returned back from a friend's wedding for which,while applying leave my greatest dilemma was which of my 5 imaginary sisters was getting married so that I could go.I can tell you that weddings especially Indian ones are just a show of how much money your dad minted trading in the Stock Market !!

I am convinced some people get married just for the sake of shopping and then Dressing up for the occasion .You cant blame them because a wedding is the perfect time for Shiny and Colorful things to ' come out of the closet ' and I am not even talking about Gay people.
Some women have more detailing in their make-up than the Frescoes at the Sistine Chapel,but then on the brighter side (with a little less foundation and mascara ) I have no issues with that because a Makeup session in front of the mirror is perhaps the only time in a Woman's life when she agrees that THERE IS GENUINELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER (. . . .yes I say this in Caps and it still wouldn be as Loud as some of their makeup ).

Then there is the bride the centre of attraction like the Tag Heuer ( yes I googled the spelling ) watch on display at the biggest mall in your city which you wanted but cud never have.I havent yet come across a honest person at a wedding who had the balls to go up to her and tell her she doesn't look gorgeous or her outfit Isn't praiseworthy and her hair isn't the types to die for like the model that comes on the Season's billboard at Santacruz station Mumbai.. . .i mean why cant you be honest about someone (bride) who can endure a 3 hour wedding reception but her bladder gives up more easily at a 2 hr movie screening than Munaf Patel chasing a ball on the third man boundary.Its baffling to me at least.

You enter and you help your self with a glass of juice ( at a Gujju wedding ) or a Cheap Whiskey at most Punjabi weddings which you then crib about and your seated for a nice conversation and Boom !! there goes the glass shattering under ur chair . . . Yes at every wedding there is always an asshole who will slide an Empty glass under the chair just like you yourself do to the ThumsUp bottle at the movies for the next person to shatter it.
Then as the audience comes your biggest challenge : The question everyone is faced with is when to STOP eating the STARTERS ?? I bet if the food at weddings wasn't free most of us would be trying to come up with silly excuses of how we were ' On a Diet '.
And then picture this . ..  . you have just filled your plate or have a soup bowl in your hand a couple of  kid comes in from nowhere and simulate the behind enemy lines scenario at the venue and in the process spilling your soup or (if you're at a Non-Jain wedding) your whiskey glass onto your shirt.Its that exact moment you wish people at weddings treated their kids the same way like they treated their Cars : Hand them over to the Valet while entering and make sure to leave with them on their way back home.But then I think a wedding is the perfect time to deliberately forget your annoying kid at the venue and not be blamed for it either.

And as you crib about the food,the cheap alcohol,the long line at the Pizza counter in EVERY FUCKING WEDDING and the waistline you saw at the icecream counter which you could never have,you have to painstakingly endure the whole charade of the bride and the groom clicking photographs in poses that would make a power yoga instructor proud and you wonder that life would be fair if only the couple was " LIKED " in real life as much as their Facebook Album !!!

Its amazing to be a part of a wedding where people stand in line for a photograph with the couple like they do at the 1st of every month for a Rs.9/-  Gelato flavour of the month at Phoenix Mills,Mumbai, But then to be honest when people ask me at these weddings " so Who's side are you from ?? " " The Girl ... or the Guy "....I am more than relieved to tell them " Neither ... I'm still on the HAPPY SIDE. "

Monday, January 21, 2013

What Is Love ?

What is Love ? 

Well to set the record straight for those who don't know its an amazing Song by Haddaway.Go buffer it while you still read this post.

So a couple of days back was having a Healthy conversation with a few friends where by healthy I meant was : if roadside pani puri ( made with hands that have traveled into regions and clefts under humid weather conditions) is better or the ones at wedding where a gloved guy with a shower cap who looks similar to the guy who gave your granddad a colonoscopy last year serves them to you.I personally prefer the former.So after a lot of arguing about whats better someone said " doesn't Matter who ..... I just LOVE panipuri !! " This marked the onset of a series of questions dished out to one another about LOVE.

My friend Rachita ( mandatory name change to protect her identity ) asked me 
What is Love ? How do you know its Love ? When do you know its Love ? 
Well just like Munaf Patel's line and length during bowling Love has no fixed definition nor does it have boundaries just like Charlie Sheen's preference when it comes to women or the amount of Coke to snort on a single night.Its different for different people like for. . . my Gujju friend who said It felt love when I shared a kiss with him last night that was " soft gentle yet powerful and had a little bit of tongue in it " I personally thought if it had everything  it was the Long Island Iced Tea of Kisses.
Well its not like a pregnancy test where a color change determines if its true or not so I personally feel you can never know if its Love or Not love or if it brings Happiness or Sadness or Joy or Pain . . . Pain just like the colicky pain induced by the Schezwan noodles you had last night cooked in adulterated oil.

Does Love Last forever ?

Well if you go to an Archie's gallery and buy their cards,a lot of them do say some love stories last forever but  if you are from say Mumbai then some love stories ONLY last till the cops come and beat the shit out of you at Bandstand.Jokes apart I am only gonna love some woman Unconditionally forever if she agrees to my *Conditions Apply clause related to shopping.

She goes on to ask ....
Is Love " Fueled " (checked spelling thrice before getting the right one ) by hormones  ?
Sure why not If its in the backseat of a car its surely driven by hormones and there is a hefty Price tag attached to it too 
Well hormones may act as a trigger in a lot of cases like for .eg  the ' Shallow ' men who Love women by the ' Depth ' of their cleavage and  I wonder that,when these men ASK HER OUT  what makes them think she will LET THEM IN.

Any Sacrifices we make . . . . ?
" A man is known by the Shoes she wears " - ( we know who ) So if your relation is at its peak during that critical period of January before Valentines day then yes we do .
The closer and closer you get to Valentine's day the further you are Away  from your Target Savings.Valentines day is like Holi or Lohri,it marks the harvest season for all the soft toys Archie's produced throughout the year and one fine day we end up dumping on to each other as a token of Love.If you truly love someone celebrating Valentine's day as a justification of love is a breach of trust I say. . .but then what I say doesn't matter.

Out of the blue comes Garima ( again name changed to protect her identity ) and asks ...
Can you Imagine cockroaches in Love ?? 
Well I don have an answer to that but I can tell you She was a one time Engineer and by the looks of the question its evident that she was smoking some good stuff in a Hot-Box environment.

And then . . . . Can we love more than one person at a time ?

Most of our dad's still love our Mom and a Madhuri or Rekha so I guess its possible 

So maybe after this  piece of post i dished out in front of you (like a Master chef contestant I might never find Love but then I've found love and to me Love is the Craving of a Chilled Thumbs-Up after a spicy roadside PaoBhajji on a winter night.