Thursday, January 31, 2013

Weddings !! Are You Next ??

Back then when they said " its a Match made in heaven " regarding a Marriage no one took into consideration and highlighted the importance of the food that the caterer served and the strategic placements of fans at the wedding venue.

I have just returned back from a friend's wedding for which,while applying leave my greatest dilemma was which of my 5 imaginary sisters was getting married so that I could go.I can tell you that weddings especially Indian ones are just a show of how much money your dad minted trading in the Stock Market !!

I am convinced some people get married just for the sake of shopping and then Dressing up for the occasion .You cant blame them because a wedding is the perfect time for Shiny and Colorful things to ' come out of the closet ' and I am not even talking about Gay people.
Some women have more detailing in their make-up than the Frescoes at the Sistine Chapel,but then on the brighter side (with a little less foundation and mascara ) I have no issues with that because a Makeup session in front of the mirror is perhaps the only time in a Woman's life when she agrees that THERE IS GENUINELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER (. . . .yes I say this in Caps and it still wouldn be as Loud as some of their makeup ).

Then there is the bride the centre of attraction like the Tag Heuer ( yes I googled the spelling ) watch on display at the biggest mall in your city which you wanted but cud never have.I havent yet come across a honest person at a wedding who had the balls to go up to her and tell her she doesn't look gorgeous or her outfit Isn't praiseworthy and her hair isn't the types to die for like the model that comes on the Season's billboard at Santacruz station Mumbai.. . .i mean why cant you be honest about someone (bride) who can endure a 3 hour wedding reception but her bladder gives up more easily at a 2 hr movie screening than Munaf Patel chasing a ball on the third man boundary.Its baffling to me at least.

You enter and you help your self with a glass of juice ( at a Gujju wedding ) or a Cheap Whiskey at most Punjabi weddings which you then crib about and your seated for a nice conversation and Boom !! there goes the glass shattering under ur chair . . . Yes at every wedding there is always an asshole who will slide an Empty glass under the chair just like you yourself do to the ThumsUp bottle at the movies for the next person to shatter it.
Then as the audience comes your biggest challenge : The question everyone is faced with is when to STOP eating the STARTERS ?? I bet if the food at weddings wasn't free most of us would be trying to come up with silly excuses of how we were ' On a Diet '.
And then picture this . ..  . you have just filled your plate or have a soup bowl in your hand a couple of  kid comes in from nowhere and simulate the behind enemy lines scenario at the venue and in the process spilling your soup or (if you're at a Non-Jain wedding) your whiskey glass onto your shirt.Its that exact moment you wish people at weddings treated their kids the same way like they treated their Cars : Hand them over to the Valet while entering and make sure to leave with them on their way back home.But then I think a wedding is the perfect time to deliberately forget your annoying kid at the venue and not be blamed for it either.

And as you crib about the food,the cheap alcohol,the long line at the Pizza counter in EVERY FUCKING WEDDING and the waistline you saw at the icecream counter which you could never have,you have to painstakingly endure the whole charade of the bride and the groom clicking photographs in poses that would make a power yoga instructor proud and you wonder that life would be fair if only the couple was " LIKED " in real life as much as their Facebook Album !!!

Its amazing to be a part of a wedding where people stand in line for a photograph with the couple like they do at the 1st of every month for a Rs.9/-  Gelato flavour of the month at Phoenix Mills,Mumbai, But then to be honest when people ask me at these weddings " so Who's side are you from ?? " " The Girl ... or the Guy "....I am more than relieved to tell them " Neither ... I'm still on the HAPPY SIDE. "

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