Weddings !! Are You Next ??

Back then when they said " its a Match made in heaven " regarding a Marriage no one took into consideration and highlighted the importance of the food that the caterer served and the strategic placements of fans at the wedding venue.

I have just returned back from a friend's wedding for which,while applying leave my greatest dilemma was which of my 5 imaginary sisters was getting married so that I could go.I can tell you that weddings especially Indian ones are just a show of how much money your dad minted trading in the Stock Market !!

I am convinced some people get married just for the sake of shopping and then Dressing up for the occasion .You cant blame them because a wedding is the perfect time for Shiny and Colorful things to ' come out of the closet ' and I am not even talking about Gay people.

Some women have more detailing in their make-up than the Frescoes at the Sistine Chapel,but then on the brighter side (with a little less foundation and mascara ) I have no issues with that because a Makeup session in front of the mirror is perhaps the only time in a Woman's life when she agrees that THERE IS GENUINELY SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER (. . . .yes I say this in Caps and it still wouldn be as Loud as some of their makeup ).

Then there is the bride the centre of attraction like the Tag Heuer ( yes I googled the spelling ) watch on display at the biggest mall in your city which you wanted but cud never have.I havent yet come across a honest person at a wedding who had the balls to go up to her and tell her she doesn't look gorgeous or her outfit Isn't praiseworthy and her hair isn't the types to die for like the model that comes on the Season's billboard at Santacruz station Mumbai.. . .i mean why cant you be honest about someone (bride) who can endure a 3 hour wedding reception but her bladder gives up more easily at a 2 hr movie screening than Munaf Patel chasing a ball on the third man boundary.Its baffling to me at least.

You enter and you help your self with a glass of juice ( at a Gujju wedding ) or a Cheap Whiskey at most Punjabi weddings which you then crib about and your seated for a nice conversation and Boom !! there goes the glass shattering under ur chair . . . Yes at every wedding there is always an asshole who will slide an Empty glass under the chair just like you yourself do to the ThumsUp bottle at the movies for the next person to shatter it.
Then as the audience comes your biggest challenge : The question everyone is faced with is when to STOP eating the STARTERS ?? I bet if the food at weddings wasn't free most of us would be trying to come up with silly excuses of how we were ' On a Diet '.
And then picture this . ..  . you have just filled your plate or have a soup bowl in your hand a couple of  kid comes in from nowhere and simulate the behind enemy lines scenario at the venue and in the process spilling your soup or (if you're at a Non-Jain wedding) your whiskey glass onto your shirt.Its that exact moment you wish people at weddings treated their kids the same way like they treated their Cars : Hand them over to the Valet while entering and make sure to leave with them on their way back home.But then I think a wedding is the perfect time to deliberately forget your annoying kid at the venue and not be blamed for it either.

And as you crib about the food,the cheap alcohol,the long line at the Pizza counter in EVERY FUCKING WEDDING and the waistline you saw at the icecream counter which you could never have,you have to painstakingly endure the whole charade of the bride and the groom clicking photographs in poses that would make a power yoga instructor proud and you wonder that life would be fair if only the couple was " LIKED " in real life as much as their Facebook Album !!!

Its amazing to be a part of a wedding where people stand in line for a photograph with the couple like they do at the 1st of every month for a Rs.9/-  Gelato flavour of the month at Phoenix Mills,Mumbai, But then to be honest when people ask me at these weddings " so Who's side are you from ?? " " The Girl ... or the Guy "....I am more than relieved to tell them " Neither ... I'm still on the HAPPY SIDE. "

What Is Love ?

What is Love ? 

Well to set the record straight for those who don't know its an amazing Song by Haddaway.Go buffer it while you still read this post.

So a couple of days back was having a Healthy conversation with a few friends where by healthy I meant was : if roadside pani puri ( made with hands that have traveled into regions and clefts under humid weather conditions) is better or the ones at wedding where a gloved guy with a shower cap who looks similar to the guy who gave your granddad a colonoscopy last year serves them to you.I personally prefer the former.So after a lot of arguing about whats better someone said " doesn't Matter who ..... I just LOVE panipuri !! " This marked the onset of a series of questions dished out to one another about LOVE.

My friend Rachita ( mandatory name change to protect her identity ) asked me 

What is Love ? How do you know its Love ? When do you know its Love ? 

Well just like Munaf Patel's line and length during bowling Love has no fixed definition nor does it have boundaries just like Charlie Sheen's preference when it comes to women or the amount of Coke to snort on a single night.Its different for different people like for. . . my Gujju friend who said It felt love when I shared a kiss with him last night that was " soft gentle yet powerful and had a little bit of tongue in it " I personally thought if it had everything  it was the Long Island Iced Tea of Kisses.

Well its not like a pregnancy test where a color change determines if its true or not so I personally feel you can never know if its Love or Not love or if it brings Happiness or Sadness or Joy or Pain . . . Pain just like the colicky pain induced by the Schezwan noodles you had last night cooked in adulterated oil.

Does Love Last forever ?

Well if you go to an Archie's gallery and buy their cards,a lot of them do say some love stories last forever but  if you are from say Mumbai then some love stories ONLY last till the cops come and beat the shit out of you at Bandstand.Jokes apart I am only gonna love some woman Unconditionally forever if she agrees to my *Conditions Apply clause related to shopping.

She goes on to ask ....

Is Love " Fueled " (checked spelling thrice before getting the right one ) by hormones  ?

Sure why not If its in the backseat of a car its surely driven by hormones and there is a hefty Price tag attached to it too 

Well hormones may act as a trigger in a lot of cases like for .eg  the ' Shallow ' men who Love women by the ' Depth ' of their cleavage and  I wonder that,when these men ASK HER OUT  what makes them think she will LET THEM IN.

Any Sacrifices we make . . . . ?

" A man is known by the Shoes she wears " - ( we know who ) So if your relation is at its peak during that critical period of January before Valentines day then yes we do .

The closer and closer you get to Valentine's day the further you are Away  from your Target Savings.Valentines day is like Holi or Lohri,it marks the harvest season for all the soft toys Archie's produced throughout the year and one fine day we end up dumping on to each other as a token of Love.If you truly love someone celebrating Valentine's day as a justification of love is a breach of trust I say. . .but then what I say doesn't matter.

Out of the blue comes Garima ( again name changed to protect her identity ) and asks ...

Can you Imagine cockroaches in Love ?? 

Well I don have an answer to that but I can tell you She was a one time Engineer and by the looks of the question its evident that she was smoking some good stuff in a Hot-Box environment.

And then . . . . Can we love more than one person at a time ?

Most of our dad's still love our Mom and a Madhuri or Rekha so I guess its possible 

So maybe after this  piece of post i dished out in front of you (like a Master chef contestant I might never find Love but then I've found love and to me Love is the Craving of a Chilled Thumbs-Up after a spicy roadside PaoBhajji on a winter night. 

Rape,Delhi n Flash Disks ... Dicks !!!

In this world where we find ourselves walking on a tightrope where on one side we are faced with the advances in various fields and the big stride towards a better world  and  still regressing as a nation and contributing in our own ways on the other side,Id rather choose not to take the next step.

RAPE ( Ridiculously Atrocious Penile Expression ) isn't an act of physical abuse or a show of ego or dominance,its more importantly a derangement of cognition.A Rape had already occurred in the mind before it happened in the Delhi Bus that day.Such is the outrage in the country that you would pardon me if I wrote this post completely in CAPITAL LETTERS !! but then venting out frustration n calling a petition for death penalty isn't going to solve the problem,the problem that is in the minds.Sure Legalizing Prostitution and Pay Channels for Pornography may help to curb  issues but who are we kidding We still believe that the  Ganges is clean n a dip in it wud make our souls Purer !! ( No Offences )

Analogically speaking the problem is that men treat the Penis the same way they treat their Pen Drives : A temporary storage device containing Flash memory that can be periodically erased n reprogrammed just as a sick horny guy fashion's his Penis to do so with a gush of blood that's diverted from his brains.
Sure It comes in various Shapes and sizes like those Pen drives do to cater to everyone's needs and fantasies.
It sure has a wide range of capacity too,be it small large n extra large just like the 8,16 and 32 gb versions of its counterpart.



Both are meant to be carried in your pants comfortably and used ONLY  when required but then we all know how difficult it is to keep it in our pants when u are at a friends place for a party and suddenly you enter the bedroom and Booom !!! you find the latest DvdRip copy of the potential Oscar winner Argo and u just cant resist putting it on your drive on and taking it back home.( P.S- We need to curb Piracy too !! )

I am sorry to all the women on behalf of the men around and I sincerely wish that in future where we become slaves of technology and Men decide to use the Penis as our PenDrives I hope we obey the simple instruction that pops up everytime u decide to get it out :
 " You can now Safely Remove your Hard Dick...Disk "

Thank you.

Life of P.... Ponting !!!

Camera PanShot of a 8-1 offside field ... Mcgrath running in with a new ball ....[Switch] Zooms in on Ricky standing in the slip cordon , collar up , a quick glance at mid on , a slight adjustment of the baggy green and then the trademark spit on the palms getting ready to take a blinder of a catch !! he takes it and they flock in a circle to congratulate him and ruffle his hair and  since we were all aware of  his Spit Coated hands a handshake would be the singlemost act of stupidity indeed.

If cricket was to be compared to a silly show from India about riding bikes Ricky Ponting would be a contestant from Chandigarh or Delhi screaming out the cliche " Tu jaanta nahi mera baap kaun hai " every time an Aleem Dar or a Steve Buknor turned down a decision against him or erroneously send him back to the pavillion.But Ricky Ponting was more than just a young bloke with a drinking problem , so much so that when he decided to make a mark on the game all he had to do was take a step forward swivel on his backfoot and pull the ball to the midwicket fence and carry on tonking attacks all over the world with killer instincts,sheer confidence n  ruthlessness : qualities used to usually describe a Heavyweight Boxer rather than a Cricketer.

For most parts of his career he battled being compared to Sachin [ not bad at all ] and to be honest he did have a period of dominance where stepping out to bat meant an inevitable hundred and a subsequent victory for the Aussies.Perhaps the most dominant batsmen of the modern era during his peak , the most feared and certainly the most valued aussie wicket consisting of a lineup of the likes of Langer Hayden Waughs Gilly during those glory days.

As an opposition you would love to hate him purely for the confidence when he was out to bat and frequent tons he made.He wasn't in the mould of Rahul Dravid coming out to bat at no.3 but then he was never meant to be not when Rod Marsh spotted him at the academy as a teenager nor when he decided to make those twin tons in his 100th test vs the South Africans and win the game at Sydney.Punter at his peak did not instill fear but he created fear from within you as an opposition.

A 100 Test Wins !! ,Ashes Wins,series Wins in every country,in every continent,3 World cups and what not,and yet for some he will be remembered as the Aussie captain who lost the Ashes THRICE !! and failed to Defend a WC after fucking winning 3 in a row as a playern 2 of them as a captain.Facing your critics must be hard and if you are ponting it got harder as he inched closer to the fag end of his career.Never a natural as a captain to bring out the best out of his players as Taylor could or Waugh would , but whose to blame when u have been served the 11 most talented men together as a team the world of cricket has seen.Captaincy made him a better batsmen which is remarkable knowing what it did to Sachin 

He chose to stay on even after his invincible teammates left the arena one by one : some say it was for the love of the game , some say it was to prove certain ppl wrong .His reflexes faded , his swivel turned jerky but he still had a few fights left in him.And then as the time came to call an end to what was a highly successful career he decided to end it where it all started at the WACA

You could love him for his shots , envy him for his records ,or hate him for his guts but at the end of the day there will never be a moment when you wud walk past him and not be in Awe of the fact that hes Tasted Success more frequently than Matt George and Gary have delicacies on Masterchef Australia .

Good Bye Punter the odds will always be in your Favour !!!

My Name is Khan and I Look at the Sky !!!

So this Diwali !! SRK comes up with a Classic fuck ur brain love story  Jab Tak Hain Jaan  .... SPOILER ALERT !!! not for the faint hearted ....

Basically SRK portrays an Average looking guy who in the entire movie ( atleast what I gathered from the Trailor )
Steps :  1- Looks at a pretty Heroine
                2 - Rolls his eyeballs up ...
                3 - Looks up in the Sky

  Conclusion : So basically SRK does 3 steps that every Engineering guy does during Masturbation !!!!

  P.S : Look at the Movie stills provided below,gather some sense and save some bucks on DIWALI !!

Must Watch Movies !!

The only thing thats common between Cinema and Women is that you can never understand them in its entirety.Its so complex the art of filmmaking , the ability to capture all that once started as a fragmented idea just put down on a piece of paper and showcase it to the audience through a series of thoughts knitted together via screenplay cinematography etc is beyond a blogpost's jurisdiction.

So on a random note Top 9 Films Seen this year !!( of the 200 odd i might have seen so far ) you must watch if you love cinema . . .if you love " leave your brains at home " kinda entertainment . . . STOP RIGHT HERE and watch the throbbing headache activators in the form of  Rowdy Rathore,Khiladi 786 or the Bachlorette instead !! 

1.

Title : HODEJEGERNE

Language : Norwegian

If seen from the point of effectiveness of his crime . . .its quite something . . .its perfect . . . untill the woman he loves makes him meet another man !! 

They say behind every successful man is a woman . . . but then no one tells us wats on  the flip side of the coin too. 

Rivetting thriller and mystery !! watch it . 

2.

Title : RUNDSKOP

Language : Dutch/French

Frame after Frame the movie depicts the Character study of Jackie Vanmarsenille ( yes a name that sounds better than Bond . . .James Bond ) caught in the web of the Cattle and Hormone Mafia in Belgium.Watch it and be amazed at how the slow pace of the movie still keeps you wanting for more . . . 

Matthias Schoenaerts had to put on 27 kilograms of MUSCLE MASS . . yes 27 KILOS !!!  to apply himself to the role of Jacky and how well it paid off.

3.

Title : THE INTOUCHABLES

Language : French

Stand up and applause at the end of the movie if you din feel for the bond two men are shown to share in this film. Actor Omar Sy delivers one of the best performance ive seen by a male lead in a long long time.From being clueless and broke to making a difference to a Paraplegic in his day to day life . . .this man gives Usain Bolt a run for his money !!! and not just coz he's Black . Movie of the YEAR for me already !!! must watch if you have a heart.

4.

Title : COMPLIANCE

Language : English

Loosely based on the Milgram experiment and also on True events that took place in America this one is absolutely gonna make your Jaw drop once you analyse the Human mind and how destructive it can be.The movie is about one LONG SINGLE PHONE call . . . .Its unfair to say something more !! Go watch it . . and realise that it could have happened to anyone of us.


5.
Title : Kauwboy
Language : Dutch

In it's simplicity lies all the complexities.A beautiful account of a young kid and his odd ways to deal with his parents and in the process making a friend to confide into.Not often do you get Sucked into a single character all throughout a movie but this surely does.The kid is brilliant in every frame.Watch the film for its brilliance watch it for the sake of such pure simple cinema.

6.
Title : Magic Mike
Language : English .... or to be honest its Pure Body Language.

Saw this and the first thought that came to my mind was that if u ever needed a reason to come out of the closet this one will send you flying out of it.Steven sodorberg does it again (best known to most of u for the Ocean's movie ).Tthe pace of the movie is absolutely brilliant and every fucking character goes and delivers a power thrust .... Pelvic ones for most parts of the movie.Do watch it and if you cant gift your female friends a vibratore do recommend  this and do them a favor.

7.
Title : Argo\
Language : English

Anyone who's seen Good Will Hunting will agree that its a good thing Ben Affleck is so talented when it comes to writing and directing or else his acting skills would make it a struggle to survive in that industry.A riveting political drama based on a true story Argo is the Hurt Locker of this year with as much hype and a better movie to go along with it for the audience.Screenplay,Cinematography,Grainy camera work and Dialogues make it for a super watch.If u believe in Academy awards then ud put your money on it for taking the golden knight back to Affleck's home.

8.
Title : De Rouille Et D'os (Rust and Bone)
Language : French

If Marion Cottillard could be be admired sitting on a rooftop gazing at the sky I'd probably have a neck sprain all throughout my life,she's that beautiful an actress.A brillaint love story of an Orcas trainer who meets with an unfortunate accident and an ex boxer who has issues in life taking care of his son potrayed by one of my all time fav actors Matthias Schoenaerts ( Rundskop , Loft ).The silence in the movie is the most expressive form when it comes to showing love and affection between the two characters.

9.
Title :  Oh My God
Language : Hindi

A surprise entry from the industry that caters to the masses by inducing annual migrane attacks by exposing them to a Salman Khan movie during a festival Oh My God was a great adaptation based on a play.It shows the simple fact that most of us are not God loving but God fearing in nature and will try to relate everything good or bad that happens to us in reln to devine intervention.We create gods and we kill them too within the Human mind.Paresh Rawal is top notch in every frame of the movie and he deserves the accolades for this mighty role.A great watch and something that makes sense if you ignore Akshay kumar on a Harley playing God.





P.S - Having One favourite movie is the biggest lie you can tell your gf or your wife in your time together.

Paints a Picture !!

How often do you get a chance to experience sadistic pleasure while watching someone excel at his craft ? Very rarely . . .  but unlike any average wife's dissatisfaction with her husband this man almost always delivered .Vangipurapu Venkata Sai Laxman's act was perhaps the most beautiful thing to watch on a television set on any given day . . .so much so that it would be stupid to not call him the Roger Federer of Modern day Cricket.

Being an Ophthalmologist myself I can understand what the medical fraternity has been deprived of in terms of surgical skills from the day VVS decided to opt for the willow instead of the scalpel his parents wanted him to.

Some people are talented , some god gifted but then there are men like VVS Laxman . . an artist so immaculate and effortless with his strokes it would put the Frescoes of the Sistine Chapel to shame according to me.They just need an inner desire to say "  thats it today I want to please the world around me " and what follows is invariably a masterpiece.

Talking from a pure cricketing point of view : His batting was pure gold,elegance combined with strokeplay perhaps only matched by a certain Mark Waugh n Damien Martyn to an extend with a willow in their hand.There were moments when you felt as if someone thrust a knife into a dollop of butter and gently spread it over a slice of bread over breakfast : Thats what  VVS did to a seamingly good delivery pitched outside the offstump off a good length and then with a twist of those magical wrists hit that ball through the mid-on fence with some nonchalence attached to it.

No one will forget Sydney , Adelaide , Mohali , Durban and certainly no one will forget Kolkata : Without showing disrespect to any other batsman to have played the game right from the Don's Era to the Era when Shahid Afridi is still 18 years old , i must say that the 281 at Eden's Garden 2001 was the single greatest knock ever the game has seen not only for the pure artist at work but also the situation the team was into . Its like imagining a painter painting with a brush held between his toes and then now imagine the same guy hanging upside down and then painting . . . . That's the magnitude of awe and shock attached to that knock for whoever had seen it including me who bunked school in 9th grade on a hot sunny day just to watch test cricket that day hoping something good will happen. 

Its like James Cameroon's has his Titanic , Roger Federer has his Centre Court at Wimbledon similarly VVS had his beloved Eden Gardens : some love stories last forever and this one surely was a blockbuster for sure everytime he came out to bat in the middle .

VVS for the greater part of hs career as the part of the Fab Four of Indian cricket was the fuel in the reserve tank of your family car ,basically a man for crisis situation and not when the team was on Autopilot mode with 300 on board with the loss of 3 wickets . It's like he needed a challenge to rise to the occasion , a meteoric rise when the opposition landed the so called knockout punch or as my mom would say " Start Studying one day before the Exams " like situation.

Its sad to see the greats of the game leaving it , sadder knowing no one else will be there to do justice to us the audience all over the world showcasing such rare and delightful strokeplay.You might have a Sachin poster in your room or do a Ganguly ( bare chested " Fuck you " ) at a costume party but there will be some part of you that will miss that gutsy flick through mid-on or the inside out drive through extra covers to the boundary . 

Goodbye VVS !! and yes there will be another HouseFull or a Golmaal for this country's audience but there will be no one else like you !!